My personal website and Gemini capsule
hyperreal.bsky.moonshadow.dev
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2title = '20 years of mental illness'
3date = 2024-12-09
4tags = ['mentalillness']
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720 years ago (autumn of 2004) I experienced the full onset of schizoaffective disorder. In retrospect, I would say the prodromal phase began around the spring of 2004, because that's when things started to feel different, and when I started having ideations of a delusional quality.
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9In the autumn of 2004, I had a panic attack\[fn:1] after work one night, and I believe that marked the onset of my condition, because I instantly became more acutely paranoid and socially withdrawn. I'd go entire days at school avoiding everyone I didn't have to interact with. I didn't socialize for fun, because I was paranoid and highly suspicious of almost everyone except close family members. I thought there was some huge conspiracy, and my parents, siblings, and other family weren't in on it, and that this was by design of the conspirators. The conspirators I believed were people at school and work. I didn't have any concept of exactly what the conspiracy was about; I just keenly felt that there was *something* going on, and that there was some hidden line of communication between school and work.
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11At this point, whoever I was before that, my entire self-concept, disintegrated, melted away into nothing. In retrospect, I think about how I thought of myself back then, and I can't pick out anything that I identified with. I was like a robot that was programmed to show up to school, and then go to work. Weirdly, I was able to work well at my job as a bus boy and dishwasher at a restaurant, because apparently robots are diligent and don't waste time socializing with other coworkers. When I had to speak to customers and the wait staff, I was extremely passive, my voice was monotonous and lacking any personal quality. As a bus boy, I had compulsions to clean off the dirty tables a certain way after the customers had left, and stack dishes on the bussing cart a certain way. I had figured this way was efficient, predictable, and added structure to a mostly unpredictable work flow.
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13This is just a snippet/snapshot of my experience back then -- there are many layers I can unfold about symptoms I experienced during this period, like body dysmorphia, social phobia, and perceptual abnormalities that I recognize in retrospect. I'm not willing to spend time unfolding those here, but I would be willing if anyone asked about it.
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15Three years later in September of 2007, after realizing that *something is not quite right* with my brain and seeking professional help, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder (depressive type) and OCD. I don't know what the diagnostic process consisted of, or what information they had about me, but I don't think they based the entire diagnosis on a single one-on-one interview with me describing my symptoms. I would imagine they got records and information from my school and my guidance counselor and from the psychiatrist I was seeing at the time. I'm not sure if they would bother my previous employer or coworkers to ask about my behavior -- maybe there is a legal reason they wouldn't.
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17I don't know how else to end this blog post. Someone on Facebook shared an old photo of themself from 2004, and it got me thinking of what I was doing in 2004. It reminded me of the fact that it's been 20 years now. I just wanted to relate a snapshot of what it was like back then. I'm doing better today, and I think have a more solid self-concept.
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19\[fn:1] What I mean by *panic attack* here is that I started hyperventilating, my vision got blurry, I felt like I was in slow-motion, and I collapsed to the ground. People sometimes describe non-panic attack anxiety as "butterflies in the stomach", but I would descirbe the abdominal feeling I experienced at that moment to have been more like swarm of vampire bats. I don't think I blacked out. I got up after about a minute and got my bearings, but things were very not okay afterward. I don't think I slept at all that night. I went to school the next day probably looking like I saw a ghost. If anyone was paying attention to my body language, they would have seen that something was wrong. I think this is around the time I went to see my guidance counselor and I just started balling, I couldn't hold back the crying. I think I went to see my guidance counselor to ask if I can switch out of a class with a teacher I was paranoid about.